I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?