Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend