mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
