im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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