dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
