Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
