Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
ttyl tear gas
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
