Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Bring me that man meat
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
