the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town