More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
there's paper in my vomit.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.