Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
