I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.