Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
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Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
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YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.