I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
