Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
