So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Rumble strips road head = magical
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
