My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
