just survived the first fart of the relationship.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
