Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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