I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
