this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
