My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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