My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
