my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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