Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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