i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
