dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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