i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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