I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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