Duck Duck Cougar?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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