i think my mom watched the whole time
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
