I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
