3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
