Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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