you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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