My friends, they love my intelligence
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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