did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
