Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Come on in and take your pants off
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