Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
