dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
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