I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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