I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
