I just gift wrapped bread.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
