Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
We named our party play list daddy issues
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
