I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
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He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
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The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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