I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
