explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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