Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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