Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
