oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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