Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
