just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
