I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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