If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
