He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
