how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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