I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you win again, gameday.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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